Anxiety... a feeling that has gradually filled my being today. After a relaxing day spent with the wife shopping and catching a flick I feel that I must face the inevitable: a lame trip to Phoenix tomorrow morning. Again I ask why? What's the point in all this? As a pack my bags I've come to this realization that this may be the last time I spend time with my beloved coworkers. The first time we're all in one place... The first time we can finally match faces to those voices... And unfortunately, for some of us, our last time to see each other. Man that sux. How can we pretend to even have an interest in the activites and seminars when in the back of our minds the decisions about our fate will have been made when we return to our respective homes?

I suppose I'll just try to make the best out of a sad situation. Be respectful.. keep a smile on my face blah blah blah. I'm tempted to put expensive meals and entertainment on my expense card just to send the message that they are fucking assholes for putting us through this. Maybe I can get some lapdances and a few rounds on the company. Just kidding HA HA.

Time to switch subjects... The wife and I saw The Last Samurai today and yes the praise it has received truly is deserved. It was awesome, inspiring, and unique. I'd say it was comparable to Gladiator or Braveheart in the context of war and honor except it depicted a history I wasn't too familiar with: feudal Japan. The way the Samurai prepared for war was astounding. I'll just leave it at that.

Oh well better pack some more and prepare for sleep I'll share some more thoughts on the movie later.

My boss dropped a bomb on us yesterday. Looks like our group could be affected by the massive reorg that's occuring now until early January. Even though I've tried not to get too comfortable here and I'm no stranger to layoffs and reorgs this comes somewhat as a shock. I realize management is just trying to improve their bottom line and layoffs are the norm for any large profitable business but damn they are barking up the wrong tree... We're a core group with excellent chemistry that's critical to day to day business. We're also all overworked and shortstaffed about 2-3 people. And they want to reduce or dissolve us?? It makes me sick.

On top of that, they're sending us all out of town next week for an offsite. Why? So they can't decide who they're going to cut without any distractions? Man... talk about adding insult to injury.

If i do happen to get cut all should be fine. A new comparable job should be attainable in a reasonable amount of time and rainy day funds should suffice. Nevertheless it stings and has become a source of my concern. It bothers me that I've taken this job for granted at times especially when it has so much going for it: proximity to home, flexibility, awesome manager, etc. I worry about losing those positives far more than financial consequences.

Until we know for sure I'm gonna try to relax and have a good attitude. However I will take a few precautions as well... I must prepare for the unexpected.. or in this case.. the inevitable.

"I'm like Giambi cuz I could go 5 for 5 in the interview room or up in da the club..."
--yours truly

Mafia recruiting spammers, crackers, AV chief warn

wow

werd up. Just got out of a conference room cake party for a coworker who just got married. Lemon cake was off da chain. Not much has been happening lately because future plans depend on the results of future events (i.e. possible layoffs at offsite, midterm grades). During this brief standstill I've been a serious bum. I've been staying up til 4am, d/ling mp3's, steering clear of that weight room and treadmill, and fine tuning my blitzes in madden. Ouch. My bruce lee physique now resembles homer simpson's.

On the brighter side, I think I'm finally getting over this damn flu. The damn thing lasted approximately 12 days. Sore throat and muscle aches subsiding... regaining flexibility...

With that said, I'm going to push myself once again. I've got three motivating factors: xmas trip quickly approaching, seeing how quick my homie got swole, an ambien prescription.

I've been d/ling and bumping some new (relatively) Foreign Legion tracks. Not sure why but I can totally relate to their style and where they're coming from. Gotta cop dat.

Quote of the day:
"I'm a lover not a gambler."
--yours truly

I really have to see Honey on the big screen. Must find a way to see it...

In case you're wondering about what happened to that jumper... I have no idea. I slept through it. After investing all those hours watching him run around the ledge and the different rescue tactics the police used I still don't know. I took a nap between 4:00-4:30 and looked outside and he was gone. :( Pretty sure he didnt jump because there wouldve been a mess out there. However I do have pics. Once I have a pic hosting site I'll put them on here.

Jumper still hasn't jumped nor has he been rescued. I feel like i've been out there with him... since i haven't slept either. doh.

Ok right now some guy is standing on the edge of the one-story building across the street yelling "Help! Help! They're trying to kill me!!" About eight cops and firemen are standing around watching. Now that's carazy. I figure he's bluffing (let's hope I'm right) since if he really wanted to die he would've found a better method of suicide and he probably would've already attempted it. I don't even know why I'm watching this debacle. I'm sure this type of shit happens in this God-forsaken city all the time. I suppose I'm anxious to see how police and fire personnel are going to handle this. I'd probably try to get some sleep but I don't think I'd be possibly with this guy yelling. I wish they'd do something to get this guy down.. but i figure this is their best option. Sending a hero to the roof would probably freak him out and he'd really jump. Setting up a ladder would probably do the same. They've already tried cajoling him into.... Ok i take that back -they've set up a fire truck ladder for the guy. Sure did take a long time... Figured they wanted him to think about it for awhile.

Ok the dood wants nothing to do with that ladder.. he's even moved as far away from it as possible. SFFD.. it's you're move. Here we go again... this dood is crawling all over the ledge yelling. What the fuck? I guess he's just dieing for some attention or something. Ahh shit.. now he's straddled the Harrison Street sign, which is for some reason connected to the building. This guy's suddenly gotten bolder, performing a tightrope act on the ledge. (with an amazing quickness i might add). he looks sober to me. Daym.. i wanted to blog this from beginning to end but it won't be possible. BRB.

Man... I've been sick with the flu for the past few days. Although I really was sick (sore throat, fever, muscle pains) it was fun. I mean what's better than waking up at noon popping some sedatives and painkillers then watching a bond marathon or playing madden all day. I was able to clear my mind and re-tool for what lies next. Its amazing what good can come from roasting on the coach for two days undisturbed.. wooohooo!!!!

Let's see what else...
AJ XII nubucks.. $200.00 DAYM.. definitely the most I've ever paid for shoes. Trust me they'll be worth it.

James Bond - I'm addicted to those flicks right now, especially the older ones. They didn't depend on technology and sleight of camera so much like the last few releases... I'm talking about 'The Spy Who Loved Me' and 'Octopussy' era of James Bond. The era was just more elegant and 'pimp' than the one we live in now. Hopefully I get a dvd volume for x-mas.. hook it up.

Calimari salad - man.. the wife makes a killer one.

Trip to Phoenix - it's steadily approaching.. and yes it will suck azz

Italian Job and Confidence - Two movies I can't stop watching. Can't wait to own.

Stranger from a Strange Land - Reading it again.

Oh yeah.. and in addition to my "Lessons Learned" from earlier:

7. Do not dwell on past mistakes. Acknowledge, examine, incorporate, then move on.

Quote:

"Employ your time in improving yourself by other men's writings, so that you shall gain easily what others have labored hard for."
--Socrates

Ok had a pretty rough Thanksgiving weekend (or should I say week since I was off the whole week). Early in the week I had a couple tough exams I had to take. Unsure about one.. aced the other... Euphoric from a supposed "victory" i proceeded to party my azz off for the next 5-6 days. Not sure what it is but the combination of hardcore partying, having friends in town and a fat wallet will drain you physically, mentally and of course financially. I'd rather not go over the details but it was pretty darn stressful.. and the holidays are not supposed to be like that. All those brain cells and benjamins lost... ouch.

But hey that's part of life and we need to learn from our experiences (it's never too late). On that note, I'm starting a section called "Lessons Learned". Here's the first installment:

Lessons Learned:

1. When going to clubs/bars plan your appropriately expenses. You as a patron can easily get fleeced. Carefully scrutinize the bill, bring cash, try to avoid being the point man, stay in control especially when out in unfamiliar places.

2. Avoid doing drugs when the situation isn't right or if you are unfamiliar with your surroundings. You never know what type of effect they'll have on you in strange places.

3. 3 days of hardcore partying is your current limit. 4 is doable but it will completely drain you.

4. Try to avoid partying with a huge crowd.. especially if you're the designated point man.

5. Quit picking up the bill every time you go out to eat/drink.

6. No more CC's in clubs/bars. Period.

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hahaah this site that i built ;-)

Alright.. so I didn't lift any weights this morning. I think I woke up about 15 min before the usual time. Progression is still progression right? Tomorrow I'll wake up very early not to work out but because I have to join some people for lunch at Henry Hunans.

I've been thinking lately.. I need to start writing about enlightening experiences in my life instead of the same old daily grind (computer security, gambling, womanizing, fantasy football). It's not that it isn't cool or interesting, because it surely is. It's just that its not something worth recording. In 5-10 years from now that type of crap really won't matter. I'll just read it and scratch my head wondering what I was thinking... so theres really no point. There are exceptions though... some of those experiences are just too damn good not to mention and are in fact very substantial.

I've been out of my regular groove lately. I haven't worked out in a week or so and I've been sleeping too damn much. I may be coming down with something. Possibly the same thing my wife had. I guess after 3 nights of hardcore partying can make any 30yr old feel a little under the weather... Hopefully I'm just imagining things and it'll pass in a few hours.

I just started reading The Story of My Life by Giacomo Casanova. The man was a true hedonist... alot like yours truly. I can definitely relate to his keen sensitivity to pleasure. Being a true playa comes from deep down inside.. it's not something that you can teach yourself.

On the blowing my scrilla front, I decided to let go and drop $155 on some white/red/black Air Max 95's. Yeah it's a baller type shoe (with a lower case "b") and it wasn't really in the budget but damn I need some new tight kicks to floss. Anyways I can't wait to receive them.

Going to sleep now.. and I am waking up at 7am to lift some weights.

"I'm so cool when I go to sleep sheep count me"
--Don "Pinky" Pincus in Heist

It's Thursday. I've got a pseudo day off tomorrow (meaning i have a few things to work on but otherwise I'm free). Maybe I'll hit the gym for a while and buy some new kicks. That's the life dawg.

It's the end of the year.. so I'm pretty excited about the near future. I've got a trip to Phoenix and H-Town again next month. It's snowboarding season again too. I can't wait to hit Caesar's Tahoe and parlay like a degenerate. That's the life of Sun... a man of leisure.

I just returned from H-Town. Considering how much I partied (pretty much every night) I feel pretty refreshed. Couldn't stop .. Wouldn't stop!!! I guess seeing old friends has that effect on me. Either that or I'm completely to immune to the rigors of partying. I even look and feel younger it seems but I guess H-Town just has that effect on me. I feel like a horny 16 yr old. hahaha. Maybe the humidity has some sort of age defying effect there's some kind of aphrodisiac present in that air... I know the women there don't look that much better than they do here. Who knows.. why analyze if further. All I know is I have my December trip circled on the calendar.

CAN'T STOP WON'T STOP.

Have you ever noticed that a lot of hackers are so self masochistic? How else can you explain their unflinching and extreme desire to get into that prized system at all costs and no matter how long it takes. It's a sickness. There's an exquisite pleasure that comes from countless attempts at penetration. And once we finally get in euphoria is no where to be found. It's happened to me time and time again. We just move on to the next target. Is it worth it?? Yes, I wouldn't have it any other way.

However since I'm a little more well rounded now in other aspects of life such as psychology and the bigger picture of things, certain principles have enabled me to continue to do what I do without getting stuck in some vicious cycle of trial and error forever. Okam's Law is a helpful rule to live by: only do exactly what is need to get into that elusive server... nothing more... nothing less. Otherwise, time and energy will be lost forever and that's something you can NEVER recover. Don't ever forget that.

Ok its been awhile so please bear with me. I'm not in a good mood. Alot of things are not looking up. Our financial situation (everlasting increase of expenses), career (ever so stagnant), my fantasy football squads (i know i shouldn't care but i can't fuckin help it), and aging (appearance, etc). I mean, I should be able to talk about the negative aspects in my life too right? Well here goes...

Please note that I'm in the middle of Notes from Underground by Dostoevsky so if I sound sadistic and hopeless... that may have some involvement. I'll get over it.

Let start with fantasy football. That bullshit ass game where u draft nfl players and combine them into a team which accumulates points throughout the season based on each players actual stats. I've had 2 losing seasons now and a 3rd is in the works. I've never been an unlucky person before... so I can't explain this. I've changed my drafting strategy three times now and none of them work. The only thing I can point out is that each year I pick RB's that get injured badly or consistenly struggle. Six RB's now... same problem. In '01 I drafted Fred Taylor (out for the yr in game 1), and Stephen Davis (No OL, struggle, struggle). Last yr I had Curtis Martin (injury, big time struggle, and lost carries to LJordan) and Willie Green (didn't play well until after I dropped him in like week8 or some shit). And finally this year, Travis Henry (Hampered with injury, inconsistent) and Corey Dillon (injured since Week2). That makes me 0-6 in RB's in 3 years... what the hell?? Am I really that cursed? What did i do to deserve this?? I always believed in karma.. but what did i do?? I mean its just sports right? Was it that fucking 9 team parlay I won? But I was horrible before that too. For real.. this is very frustrating because I can't point out my fuckin problem. I can't fix what's invisible. DAYM.

Ok that was really all I wanted to unload... financial problems will always be there cuz I never will feel like I'm saving enough. Appearance is kewl.. I just need a fuckin haircut.

Ok.. chaos and disorganization are simply dominating my life. I'm not scared to admit it. Work is a mess. We're so understaffed.. and still would be if we had 2-3 more bodies. It doesn't help that I can't make it to work at a reasonable time although I still put in over 40 hours a week. Somethings gotta give...

Nonetheless, I've managed to stay in control or at least I've managed to trick myself into thinking I'm in control. who the fuck knows. The drink and the billiards definitely helps alot. Gotta go....

Yes I'm slacking again. You know, waking up around 11:30 and sneaking into the office around 1:00PM. How sad. How pitiful right? Wrong. There are legitimate reasons for my reduced production: I just finished my last lessons before midterms and I wanted to reward myself by taking it easy for awhile. Also, projects have been getting finished at work and I have been lifting weights pretty consistenly. On top of that, I been able to do some reading... some interesting reading in fact.

I'm currently reading three books right now: The Theory of Poker by Slansky, A Chef's Tour by Bourdain, and finally Post Office by Charles Bukowski. And at the moment I'm most intriqued by the latter. Possibly I see alot of myself in the protagonist, Harry Chinaski, who has problems with alcohol, women, and showing up to work on time. Possibly I yearn to live that lifestyle.. not giving a fuck by speaking my mind and drinking like a fish. In fact Harry is a hero to me. He is genuinely a good guy without an ounce of malice in his heart. He just wants to live life as free and hedonistic as possible. So do I...

Henry, Dillon likely to sit

It's week5 and this is what i have to deal with...

CRN : Daily Archives : Experts: Reliance On Microsoft A Danger To National Security : 4:14 PM EST Wed., Sept. 24, 2003

Finally the weather is back to normal. Back to the foggy, gritty, chilly San Francisco I've grown to love. I couldn't stand that sunny 90 degree weather we've been having for the past few weeks. It just aint SF.

Workout: 2 miles on treadmill
Lunch: Tandoori chicken sandwich

All in all things are pretty kewl. I've been catching up on some ECO and HIS lessons, running or lifting every day, and most importantly, managing my time intelligently. In the process, I've had to give up shooting pool regularly and watching tv/movies. The tv/movies I can do without.. I've got all day Sunday and Monday night for that. However, the pool is another story.. I'm truly itching to pick up a cue and run a rack "up in dat muthafucka". Oh well, lets plan on playing Fri night and/or Sat morning.

Anyways I'm really tired. I didn't sleep well last night: 4AM to around 9:30 plus I haven't had any coffee all day so my brain is only half-working. I'm tempted to take a nap on this chair right quick...

Horrible day of football. I can't believe my fucking luck when it comes to fantasy football. I swear I must be truly cursed by the football gods. Ugh!!!! I'm getting killed by 30-40 and my opponent, the Urban Achievers, still has Portis to play tomorrow. Ugh!!! On top of that both of my RB's, Dillon and THenry got knocked out by injuries. I have no idea how serious the injuries are but with my luck they're probably serious. Damn... why do I even play this crap. Imagine what I could accomplish if I didn't spent all day Sunday on the couch watching games and praying for something I have no control over.

y0y0. Finally visited Hooters SF for the first time last night... Rolled up there with Jovi and his homie Ron from Daygo. I have to say it was a blast but somewhat different from Hooters down in Texas. Not as many blondes...Waitresses were a little thicker and definitely had mo junk in dem trunks. On the bright side the waitresses were very friendly and accommodating (I got pics to prove it). As far as the wings, they were aight... Not as spicy as advertised and tasted as if they had been frozen for a very long time. Their naming conventions are surprisingly different too: Bentley wings are known as 911 in deez here parts. After four pints of Sierra and two pitchers of Coors Light (yes, I unwillingly drank some Coors Light) we made our way to North Beach and hit some lounge spot called Sushi something. Most of the popular spots had extremely long lines and since we weren't exactly appropriately dressed we hit this spot. I don't really remember too much as I was in a semi-drunken stupor by then, I think all the peeps up in there treated it as a last resort type spot too. Nothing noteworthy.

Even though it's only been 2-3 days, Project Wake Yo Azz Up On Time has been successful. I just have to follow through and make it a habit.. A way of life. knaw whut i mean??

After I maintain some regularity in my schedule other things should automatically improve too (work, school, etc).

Workout for the day: Treadmill 30 mins @5.2-6.0
Bumpin: The Apl Song - Black Eyed Peas

werd. Well I'm a few minutes late... You've gotta appreciate the effort though. Excuse me while I make coffee.

Starting anew...

With all the possible happenings in my near and distant future I've decided to get in shape: mentally, physically, and spirtually (not to mention spiritually). After all who knows what could happen next... loss of employment, a little sun on the way, home purchase, etc. On top of that I've gotta endure these damn courses. In order to make these things happen (or not happen) I must be in peak form.

As corny as a blog/diary my seem it may prove helpful in the end. Who the fuck knows.. but we're soon to find out it. And as soon as a few kinks are ironed out I may be able to contribute something both entertaining and insightful to the general public (don't hold your breath).

Lets focus on one thing right now.. ONE thing. That should be enough:

Wake up at a reasonable fucking time!!!
Tomorrow's goal: wake up at 8:30 AM PST

That's it for today. Expect blog from me around that time. L8.

Finally got a blogger account. This is a test post. Nothing here now.